Well, here it is. The first post to my new blog. I’ve been contemplating starting one for awhile, but I wasn’t sure if I would keep up with it. I still don’t know if I will, but tonight I thought “what the hell”. So here we are. I’ve had a couple blogs in the past that didn’t amount to anything. But growing up, I journaled all the time. It was a way for me to let anything and everything out. It’s fun to go back through all my old journals, so I figure in a couple years, I’ll appreciate going back and looking at this journey I’m traveling on. So let’s dive in, shall we?
Growing up, I was always the big girl. The girl who had plenty of friends, but never a boyfriend. The one who would hide behind others when it was picture time. The one who would go to a sleepover and eat the pizza and snacks like everyone else. What I never could understand, was why I was bigger than my friends. I didn’t think I ate more than them. I ate the same stuff as my friends. I played sports in elementary and middle school, but the weight always seemed to creep on.
I remember in the 6th grade going to get a physical at the doctors and realizing I weighed 140 lbs. By the end of 7th grade, 150lbs. Around this time is when I started to lose interest in sports. Well…I actually loved playing basketball. 8th grade year we were told we would have a new coach, a woman I really didn’t like. When I told my friends that I wasn’t going to play basketball that year, they seriously thought I was joking. But, I was not. I think that decision is what changed me and the rest of how my school days would go.
After I stopped playing sports, the pounds continued to pile on. Being 5’5, I spent the majority of my high school life anywhere between 160-200 lbs. I didn’t get teased or bullied like a lot of overweight kids do. But my self-esteem is what weighed heavily on my heart. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel pretty. I didn’t feel worthy of being happy or loved.
Throughout high school and still now today, I’ve battled mild depression. Is the weight to blame for my depression? Partially I’m sure. But like everyone else, I’ve had some stupid stuff happen to me in my life. I’ve always felt comfort in good food. Additionally, I feel like I have an addictive personality. I’ve had bouts of being addicted to food, cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs. My addictions come in that order. Food is an on-going battle. Cigarettes are still occasionally a problem. Marijuana is on the back burner, I think of it sometimes but won’t touch it again. Alcohol honestly hasn’t been too bad of a problem. However I’ve recently realized that when I did drink, it definitely wouldn’t be in moderation…so I’m currently on an alcohol fast. Other drugs, I never miss or even think about.
Obviously, food is my biggest demon. I love chocolate. I love Mexican and Italian food. I love ice cream and sweets. When I’m in a bad mood, food always seems to comfort me.
I think this is where I will end this first post. I just wanted to so a little insight of the beginning of how I came to be. There are many many other stories and reasons that have contributed to my weight, but I may cover some of those stories in other posts.